Zeno63

Undead Knitting

2009-02-24T06:13:00.000-08:00

OK, so it's not quite dead yet. I've rediscovered knitting as a relaxing past-time/craft, and I required a blog to track my progress. I might post other stuff if I feel like it, since I'm an interesting guy living in an interesting city. Stay tuned, or visit me at http://www.ravelry.com/people/zeno63

Last Post

2007-07-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been posting much up here lately. This is probably the last post to this blog. I'm moving on to other things. Thanks for your attention. If you want to stay in touch, I'm on Facebook now.

Theatre Review -- The Dirty Goddess A Fairytale for Big Kids

2007-06-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

One Word Review:

One Sentence Review: Women having fun, ball-busting, and winking at the audience while they do it.

"The Dirty Goddess" is billed as "a bawdy and brazen romp into the weird world of Eastern European Fairytales. A poetic celebration of age old storytelling traditions, toasted with one too many shots of tequila." It starts as a rather straight-forward but humorous mash-up of Cinderella/Baba-Yaga tales. The house on legs steals the scene, despite having no dialog.

After our protagonist accidently burns down the house with her evil step-mother in it (and step-sisters, and oh yeah, her father), she is lost in the woods, helpless and alone. She encounters a series of men (the horse-head masks are a wonderful bit of costume design), each of which use and discard her in turn. This leaves her shoe-less and striped of dignity when she stumbles out of the woods and back into civilization.

She stumbles into the tender-hooks of a madame, who promises to make her a goddess. Instead, she gets dressedup as Little Red Riding Hood in thigh-high red leather boots and tossed onto stage. She is violated again, this time by the audience, and ends up in a puddle on the stage, naked, vulnerable, and alone.

Overall the acting, live music, and costumes made the play come across with an energy that was infectious. This let the play ride over the rough spots, where the plot jumped from one thread to another. The lighting/staging needed a bit more work too.

Have the talking vagina suddenly jump out on stage is a bit disconcerting, but maybe that was the point. It does go to prove that it isn't only men that have blood-flow-to-the-brain issues. The second act, in the woods, was especially well done. It could have been heavy-handed ball busting, but it is done with a nod and a wink and an acknowledgment in the dialog that we all are responsible for where we are.

This isn't quite as true of the third act, where the moralizing gets a bit stilted and thick. Well done, but not very subtle. Personally, I like my revelations slipped into the kidneys like a thin stilleto, causing enough surprise that you can't even scream. This you could smell coming like a three-day-old haddock upside the head.

Stilted in places as the writing may have been, it was worth the time and $10. It had a good, fun vibe, and it makes me want to see more of the Pumphouse Theatre Ignite! Festival. Try to catch some tonight if you can.

Restaurant Review -- Chianti's on 32nd

2007-06-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

One Word Review: Meh

One Sentence Review: Popular, cheap, good service, and the bread was good.

I went to Chianti's for lunch with some people from work the other day, and was hopeful from when we sat down that it would be a good meal. I mean, the bread was warm, & the olive oil was ready to go. The server was cheerful and attentive, and the menu looked good. I ordered myself some calamari (my test for food -- if it's chewy & overcooked, then they don't know what they're doing.)

The appetizers came quickly, and the calamari was up to par. The batter was a bit heavy handed, but it was cooked right. Then we waited.

And waited. And waited. When my spaghetti carbonara did arrive the pasta was overcooked, and it certainly wasn't dry as ordered. I left most it on my plate. Maybe I ate too much of the bread, but I didn't eat that much. The rest of my group was enjoying their meal, so methinks I just got the random short end of a busy lunch-time cook's stick. Still, I got the feeling that I was in a successful, popular restaurant that had settled into a routine. What I saw was the result of lack of attention.

To the servers credit, she noticed my lack of appetite and followed up by finding out what was wrong and credited us the meal. I just wish she hadn't done it quite so loudly.

Great White North -- Watching the Watchers

2007-06-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

This will be the last GWN for a while. Watch this space in the fall for a new series!

Great White North -- Lost at Starbucks

2007-06-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

Venti? Isn't that where hot air comes out?

Great White North -- When Beavers Attack...

2007-06-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

...and why a Beaver's lack of ears is problematic

Great White North -- Hoser 9-11

2007-06-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

What to do in a hoser emergency

Great White North -- Spirituality

2007-06-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

The hosers break out the drums...

Great White North -- Summer in Canada

2007-06-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

Edumacation for the great un-washed masses south of the border.

Great White North -- Musical Cheese

2007-04-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

DJ Superpowers

2007-04-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Great White North -- When Hosers Are Hungover

2007-04-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

What If the Beatles Were Irish?

2007-04-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

Good-Bye Kurt

2007-04-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

God made mud.
God got lonesome.
So God said to some of the mud, "Sit up!"
"See all I've made," said God, "the hills, the sea, the sky, the stars."
And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around.
Lucky me, lucky mud.
I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done.
Nice going, God.

-- Kurt Vonnegut, Bokanonist last rites, The Books of Bokonon, Cat's Cradle

Great White North -- First One to the Red Light Wins

2007-04-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

My pet theory is that driving in Calgary is so challenging because we've grown so quickly the last twenty years. People have come from all over the world, bringing their local driving habits with them. This means that you never know what the person in front/behind/beside you is going to do.

Funny Ads

2007-04-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

Can you guess what this is an advertisement for?

Great White North -- When the Brownies Come Around

2007-04-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

Keep an eye on the dog.

Thou Shalt Always Kill

2007-04-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

. . . and the Clash were just a band.

Restaurant Review -- Spice Hut

2007-04-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

One Word Review: Yum

One Sentence Review: One of those hole-in-the-wall discoveries that you want to keep to yourself, 'cause if you tell your friends, they'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends . . . and before you know it the neighbourhood is being bull-dozed for condos. It's a vicious dilemma.

We drove home from Banff last night, and nobody felt like cooking. So Cathie thought we should try out a little place called "Spice Hut". Now, we're both fans of Indian food. Even our eleven-year old likes to throw down a vindaloo once in a while (yes, we're odd -- you're point?)

For $23 we got a fantastic, fresh, hot, and authentic meal for four (three adults & one kid.) The 'plain' rice had saffron, the butter chicken and somosas were wonderful, and the nan bread was fresh & hot. I'm going to start dragging friends there for lunch, just as an excuse to go back. Hey, Karl -- watcha doin' Tuesday?

Bad Cookie

2007-04-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

Stupid City Names

2007-03-31T05:06:00.000-07:00

Stupid Ways to Die Throughout the Ages

2007-03-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

There are many ways to die. Not many of them are noble, but if you're famous or die in an especially ignobly way, then that's just kind of embarrassing. But don't worry about it, if you ever make this list you'll be dead, so you won't care.

Really Bad Tattoos

2007-03-25T10:01:00.002-07:00

What else is there to say . . . really bad tattoos

Great White North -- Hoser Entymology

2007-03-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

. . . and the scoop on cute tow-truck drivers

Great White North -- Viewer Mail

2007-03-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

Episode Twelve, as in a dozen donuts.

PC vs Mac vs Linux

2007-03-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Linux is kinda cute.

The Liberation of Baghdad

2007-03-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid at home, my parents had a couple of coffee-table art book at covered the Renaissance and adjoining periods. I sometimes spent hours just flipping through & looking at the pictures. I think what caught my attention was the composition, and the little details. I got that same feeling when I came across Sandow Birk's work. He takes these 15th-18th century masterpieces, and recasts them in modern yet powerful themes.

Speaking of little details, what's up with the two dogs going at it in the foreground? Anybody?

Snapshots from Afghanistan

2007-03-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

My brother's in Kabul with the U.N. and working hard on building schools. Most children are still learning in tents and some in shipping containers. He's working with locals and other U.N. hired architects. He seems to have been upgraded from two to five bodyguards since the last time he sent a picture.

DRM Sucks

2007-03-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

Fitting a Backpack

2007-03-19T06:11:00.000-07:00

Kristin Hostetter explains all the strategies to you need to find a good-fitting backpack--from how to simulate a fully-loaded pack, to what to look for in hip belts and shoulder straps

Pictionary Drawing Contest

2007-03-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

I was at a house party last night, and they dragged out a white-board and markers. We were going to play "Pictionary". Yeah!

Except we made up our own phrases, which made it interesting. Entrires ranged from "teacher" to "Wankel rotary engine". The engine was guessed in about five seconds. Tough crowd.

Here's my challenge to you: draw the following actual entry in last night's game. I'll post all submissions here. The best part? They actually got about 3/4's of it.

Ready?

A 3-legged bipolar giraffe with a lollipop stuck in its throat, giving birth to a gopher

Advice from an Old Man to a Young Man

2007-03-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

From the "Best of Craigslist", advice to a young man from an old man. The best advice? "97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest."

Great White North -- Dating Advise

2007-03-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hoser gives Hosehead dating advice.

Movie Review -- 300

2007-03-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

One Word Review: Drool

One Sentence Review: Beautifully executed juvenile male fantasy.

Buddy of mine at work & I have been planning to see this movie for a couple of months. I even took time off work so I could catch it the opening afternoon. Being guys, we never got our shit together, but I did catch it with my eighteen-year-old son that day. This isn't a date movie. I can't see many women voluntarily going to see this movie, unless she's trying to be one of the guys. Although the film does throw a couple of emotional scraps to the audience with regard to the lead female character, by way of motivation & justification for gutting a senator about three-quarters of the way through the movie.

Now, when I say "beautifully executed juvenile male fantasy", I mean that in the best possible way. Frank Miller is at the top of the graphic novel (otherwise known as "fat but expensive comic") market, and justifiably so. His hand and eye together form a perfect union of visual candy.

Like candy, however, if you eat too much you're going to get nauseous. I suppose this has partly to do with trying to faithfully execute the stunning compositions in living form. Well done. But as a story, kinda thin & clunky. Doesn't translate well from a comic to a movie. Acting ditto, kinda thin. Many lines seem to be yelled. So really, that's it. The whole movie yells at you the entire time. Plus, anybody want to guess how it ends?

I will be putting this one on my DVD shelf, for after those long days of work when I need a glass of scotch, a cigar, & a shot of testosterone to gird myself for the next day's battle. You have to be in the right frame of mind for this one.

Oh, that dancing girl? That was hot.

Movie Review -- Bridge to Terabithia

2007-03-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

One Word Review: Sniff!

One Sentence Review: Peek back into the emotional life of children -- insightful and heavy with pathos & hope.

My wife dragged me to this movie, and I figured it was going to be one of those skanky "chick flick" that tries to play on emotions like a drunken fiddler on a Halifax Saturday night. I was wrong. It was a beautifully crafted movie, authentic and honest, painful and hopeful all at the same time. I was especially touched by the portrayal of the playground politics, and the dynamics and pain of bullying. Other reviewers have commented on what the movie says about the power of friendship, and others were moved by how tragedy brings the family closer together. I think this is a sign of a good movie, when different people get different things out of it - it has depth.

Unless you're a drunken fiddler in Halifax on a Saturday night, I'd recommend you go see this movie. Otherwise, party on!

New Glasses

2007-03-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

Time to get some new glasses soon. Shall I go down to the local chain store again? This guy says I'm getting ripped off.

Mac Versus PC

2007-03-15T05:33:00.000-07:00

A mildly amusing satire of the "Mac Versus PC" ads.

Great White North -- Quantum Beer Mechanics

2007-03-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Beer & quantum mechanics. I bet you didn't know the two are related?

Soldiers are Funny II

2007-03-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

My brother's in Afghanistan building schools for the U.N. Every once in a while he sends me a picture or three. See if you can spot the soldier in this one:

Witness

2007-03-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

Requirements Definition Can Be Fun

2007-03-08T06:01:00.000-08:00

An un-named friend at an un-named company recently wrote this amusing little snippet, describing the challenge of defining & testing an anti-virus solution for a customer that doesn't know what they really want:

So I'll have the facts on paper for you by Monday, but in the meantime, we've been given a task akin to "What kind of bicycle would you recommend?" without getting to ask simple questions like: "Are you going to be racing?", "Will you be going off-road?", and "Do you have a fat ass?"

I thought it was funny. I'm sure everybody has had a customer like this...

2007-03-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

It seems anybody can be a Jedi Knight these days...

The Widow

2007-03-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the
ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an
ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay man, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the
ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick
up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following
Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock,
and still no hired hand. He finally returned around two-thirty, and
upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

Great White North -- Public Service Announcement

2007-03-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

This week's show is a public service announcement.

Psst -- CBC: the cheque can actually be made out to "Bernie May". Or "Cash", either way.

Great White North -- Canadian Food History

2007-03-03T10:57:00.000-08:00

This week, the hosers explain the history of food in Canada. Poutine seems to be a recurring theme for some reason.

Great White North -- Automobile Maintenance

2007-02-27T05:46:00.000-08:00

For anybody coming up from the States for the summer skiing, tips on getting your car ready.

Movie Review -- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

2007-02-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

One Word Review: Ouch (as in -- please stop, I can't breath anymore and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.)

One Sentence Review: I can't believe the stones on this guy, and neither will you.

Sacha Baron Cohen is my master now. It's one thing to sit in a studio and mock politicians by being deliberately obtuse (his previous gig). It's another to try to kiss New Yorkers (who seem to be really uptight about their personal space), join a craps game in a black ghetto in the middle of the night, run naked through a convention of mortgage brokers chasing another naked guy with a fist-shaped dildo, or deliberately mangling the Star Spangled Banner at a local Texas rodeo.

He'd hired himself a bodyguard for this last stunt. The body guard ran away after the crowd started booing so hard it spooked the horses. That's the kind of guts he has. I'm not sure why he wasn't thrown in jail. Or shot. Or shot, then thrown in jail. Or jailed, then shot.

You get the idea.

Now, I could go own about the socially redeeming qualities of this this movie, restating the obvious & redundant point that nobody made these people act like drooling, in-bred morons. I, for one, cheered every time another red-necked racist/misogynistic dick was exposed for who they were.

Some people chose to act with grace, and did so. Good for them. Though I can't really blame the southern belle for calling the sheriff when Borat's date, a prostitute, showed up to the dinner party. She was probably already fed up with him after having to show him how to use the toilet.

Restaurant Review -- Bavarian Inn

2007-02-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

One Word Review: Yummy!

One Sentence Review: Worth the trip, especially if you like German food.

Karl & Darlene have been trying to get us out to dinner with them for the last six months. Between one thing and another, we only just made it out to the Bavarian Inn this past Friday. It was worth the wait, and lived up to the hype. Good thing, too, since I'd been thinking about schnitzel all day, and my mouth would start watering every time.

Now I know that "German cuisine", like "bagpipe music", seems an oxymoron to some. Then there are those of us who know better. My parents are German, and my mother was a cook of mythic status. Cathie knew that she'd been accepted into the family when Mom allowed her to stir the gravy one night. We'd been married for a year at that point.

I think my Mom's cooking was always good because she bought the best ingredients she could, and prepared it fresh. That's what this restaurant is like. I've been to many places that claim to be home-cooking, but this is the first place that tasted like home-cooking to me.

For an appetizer I ordered the Camembert in fillo pastry. The wild game menu was tempting, but I stuck to my original Jaegerschnitzel. Goulash, buffalo Rouladen, and beef tenderloin rounded out the table. Silence descended as each concentrated on our own plates, punctuated by the occasional primal grunt. If you want good quality food, dining, atmosphere, and a meal that actually fills you up, there is little better than this restaurant. None of this panty-waisted urban French cooking here. I surprised the servers aren't fatter, since they get to eat there each day.

Definitely going back. We'll have to find an excuse to drive out there soon.

Web Page: Bavarian Inn (includes phone number for reservations, directions, and menus)

Great White North -- Becoming Canadian

2007-02-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

Part five of the Great White North II -- how to become a Canadian citizen.

Restaurant Review -- Bear's Den

2007-02-19T08:05:00.000-08:00

Two Word Review: Special Treat

One Sentence Review: The place in Calgary to take somebody you want to impress, if you're willing to drop the coin.

Cathie & I went there a couple of weeks ago, on a Friday night, as our Valentine's dinner. I went on a recommendation from one of my bosses, who is a bit of a gourmet. One of those guys that can not only tell you which wine goes with which food, but will start making recommendations about which vintage.

I had a salmon salad and steak (they are one of the only places in Alberta that serve AAAA beef). Cathie had the pumpkin soup and elk steak. We let the waiter choose an appropriate glass of wine for each of us, which he did handily.

I knew the food was going to be good, and expensive. Be prepared to lay out $100 per person, plus booze. The service was impeccable as it better darn-well be at that price. The architecture was also gorgeous, which I didn't expect. Tall, elegant ceilings with relief sculptures of wolves, bison, and mountains. All very well done. I felt like a bit of hick as I asked to wander around the second dining room to take it all in, but we did anyway.

By the way, if you like martinis at all, their feta stuffed olives are a real treat. I'm off to stuff my own olives now, have a good Alberta Family Day long weekend!

Web Site: http://www.bears-den.ca/

Restaurant Review -- Majuru Sushi

2007-02-19T07:49:00.000-08:00

One Word Reveiw: Good

One Sentence Review: Authentic, friendly, fresh -- definitely a nice quiet place to get some good sushi for those in the know.

I was out and about for the Chinese New Year yesterday, heading down to Chinese Cultural Centre and stopping at some of the second-hand bookstores along the way. A pleasant day with my two girls. I'd never been here before, and my usual Centre Street sushi place was closed for the provincial long weekend. So we stopped in to give it a try.

The place is small and neat, and doesn't feel crowded. There are a couple of private booths along the side, and lots of light from the front windows. We had a couple of lunch specials, a vegatable roll and a bowl of "sticky rice" for Nichole the eleven-year-old. Also Ebi Tempura. Victoria's big on shrimp.

The soup was good -- I usually don't like the watery, bitter miso that most places seem to serve. All the food was served promptly, fresh and tasty. The sushi and sashimi was generous (a touch colder than I like, but what can you do -- those darn health inspectors), and the presentation was well laid out. Victoria even noticed that they made it look pretty.

The best part? I love finding a good place my other sushi snob friends haven't discovered yet. I'm so going to lord it over them

Address: 919C Centre Street NW (around the corner from the Starbucks, just before you go down the hill and into downtown)

Phone: (403-276-8008)

p.s. Victoria says thanks for keeping her purse safe when she left it behind, and for returning it in perfect condition.

Movie Review -- Pan's Labriynth

2007-02-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

One Word Review: Wow.

One Sentence Review: In the entire history of movie-making, this film sets a new high-water mark.

I really don't know where to begin. I thought "Children of Men" was good, but it was just a warm up.

The plot goes something like this: Mom remarries and moves out to the country-side to join her bastard of a husband to give birth to a son. Army Captain cruel & paranoid step-father is busily suppressing the remaining anti-fascist guerrillas. Pre-teen daughter of the previous marriage discovers a labyrinth, and this is where the fantastical starts weaving its way into the story.

OK, I'll explain it like this: I went to see this with my wife Cathie. About halfway through the movie I mentioned to her that the director, Guillermo Del Toro, had a collection of over 150 books of fairy tales from which he drew his themes and plot lines. She went "Oh, I didn't see that." Which surprised me, 'cause usually she's tuned into things like that. Afterwards, she told me that what she was getting out of it was cruelty of war. I keep wanting to go back to see what else I missed. My point? This movie works on so many levels, that you could go into it for years and get something out of it every time.

The technical support, acting, directing, and all the craft of cinematography disappears into the background as the story, the characters, and the emotion step out front & centre. It's a beautiful movie, a wonderful story, a penetrating morality tale, and a raw tragedy.

Go see it.

p.s. Don't take your kids unless you can afford to pay for their therapy. This is a movie for mature audiences, and not because of any gore or sex.

Movie Review -- Ghost Rider

2007-02-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

One Word Review: Disappointing.

One Sentence Review: Writers should never be allowed to be directors.

Went to see this with my son last night. We should have stayed home and watched the "Dead Like Me" DVD I borrowed from a friend at work instead. Cool special effects, but that's not enough anymore.

"Ghost Rider" is an example of what happens when somebody without talent a) tries to compress an entire years-long serial story-line into two hours, and then b) goes on to film it themselves. Not having anybody call bull-shit on you when you're seriously self-delusional results in a meandering, non-sensical plot, reliance on special effects instead of characters, and an audience that's falling asleep by the end of the movies. You think I'm exaggerating. I'm not, and it wasn't just me. Another child-hood memory smothered and soiled.

The movie did have three redeeming features: Nicholas Cage -- always a good actor, even when the lines he's given have all the passion and power of a dead hamster; and playing his love interest, Eve Mendes. She has other assets, but not enough to rescue this seriously flawed (but glossy) movie.

Darwin's Rottweiller

2007-02-17T09:24:00.000-08:00

I'm not an atheist, but if I was, Richard Dawkins would be my God.

Er, wait, that's not right...

Secret Life of Toothpaste

2007-02-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

Did you know that toothpaste can be used to clean drinking glasses, fix scratched CDs & DVDs, polish silverware, and refurbish cast iron sinks?

Roasting Your Own Coffee

2007-02-16T07:22:00.000-08:00

I thought I liked coffee -- apparantly not as much as this guy...

Best Rant Ever

2007-02-15T20:26:00.000-08:00

Some guy I've never heard of, but it's the best rant ever. Joel Johnson takes a wack with a big stick at gadget makers, reviewers, and even the consumers that always have to buy the latest & greatest, and therefore support a ever-churning compost heap of crap. The title of his well written and funny hate missile is "Consumer electronics are a joke. It's everyone's fault but mine. You assholes."

...and you know what? He's right. I dropped my Palm T3 one too many times and broke it (again), and I've been using an old old old Zire 31 ever since. You know what? It works just fine. The only thing it doesn't have that I wish it did is a voice memo recorder, but for the $500 upgrade, it can wait. A long long long time.

An excerpt to whet your appetite:

"While we're on the subject of your torpid, irresponsible copy, stop calling stuff "*tastic." Especially "geektastic," your slackest-jawed portmanteau. Would you drop that bon mot to a woman you were trying to hit on in real life? Of course you would, because I know you guys, and you're dorks."

Great White North -- Forgot the Topic

2007-02-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry, we forgot to bring a topic, Karl phones in sick, and he loses his toque. He's not having a good day, eh?

Ten Things You Shouldn't Buy New

2007-02-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

Books
DVDs & CDs
Little kids toys
Jewelry
Sports equipment
Timeshares
Cars
Software & console games
Office furniture
Hand tools

Find out why here...although I get screwed every time I buy a car, used or not. Gotta figure out how to avoid that next time.

Ten Things You Shouldn't Buy Used

2007-02-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

Laptops
Car Seats
Plasma TVs
DVD Players
Vacumn Cleaners
Camcorders
Shoes
Mattresses
Wet Suits
Helmuts

...find out why here.

Tightening Large Lashings

2007-02-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

When you're out in the woods building a large structure, like a bridge or tower say, and you need to really tighten your lashings, now you can just whip out your frapping mallet.

Great White North -- Hoserland's Who's Who

2007-02-03T09:09:00.000-08:00

If you remember this music, we should talk -- we belong to the same Canadian generation.

Good Design -- A Stapler

2007-02-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

A design for a stapler that always works, and is just as easy to use as before. Simple idea, big pay-off.

Things To Do With Your Mouth In Your Kitchen

2007-01-31T06:07:00.000-08:00

Bet you didn't know you could do that, did you?

"I'm a PC" "And I Mac"

2007-01-30T05:33:00.001-08:00

You've probably seen the Mac vs PC ads. Have you seen the UK version? The Japanese version?

Why You Should Listen to Your Wife

2007-01-29T05:41:00.000-08:00

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her have to gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting which was following by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Movie Review -- Smokin' Aces

2007-01-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

Short Review: Not so much good as fun. Visually appealling enough to warrant big-screen viewing, but maybe wait for it to run at the local ghetto theatre.

Long Review: Ever watch a movie and think "Oooooh. So close, good try."? That's Smokin' Aces. It has all the right elements, or enough of them that it could have been fixed in post-production & editing. Which is exactly where this movie falls down.

The story is good, the dialog is hoping, the action sequences and the directing/acting (for the most part) are wonderful, the production values are superb. Lots of eye-candy, lots of little vingettes and story arcs that work really well in and of themselves. But it's as if the editor wanted us to feel the random, unpredictable violence of life as reflected in the broken story line, or have no chance to grow sympathetic for any particular character, because that's how the film is edited.

It could have been a much tighter, smarter film if they'd cut about 45 minutes out of it. It would have made much more sense if it hadn't tried to explain everything. Especially towards the end.

. . . and don't even get me started on the physics of a 120 pound woman firing a .50 caliber sniper rifle at a high rate of fire using a motel matress as a rest. Damn sexy though.

Great White North -- Capitols of Canada

2007-01-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

The hosers explain Canadian Geography

2007-01-26T05:56:00.000-08:00

Choosing the Right Sunglasses

2007-01-25T11:26:00.000-08:00

My problem is I can never figure out what shape my face is, so I'm not sure which shape to pick for my glasses.

Soldiers are Funny

2007-01-24T06:02:00.000-08:00

. . . because they have to be, and sometimes they get bored.

Movie Review -- Volver

2007-01-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

Went to see "Volver" last night -- good little art-house film. It's about a mother who's not just a mother, two fathers who are not fathers, and a ghost who's not a ghost. Well plotted, acted, and directed well enough to keep one interested all the way through. I can't decide if it's a drama, a mystery, or a comedy. And guys, just in case you think this is just a chick flick just 'cause there aren't any car chases or fight scenes, the director throws in a couple of rich visual tableaus. Of course, he's going to make you squirm emotionally for them first.

Great White North -- Curling Secrets Explained

2007-01-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

In our second "Great White North II" episode, we tackle the dark secrets of curling.

Movie Review -- Bandidas

2007-01-19T11:26:00.000-08:00

I rented a movie with a friend last night that was a pleasant surprise. The cover had Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek, which isn't a bad start for the cover of anything, but doesn't give you any clues about the quality of the movie. I'd never heard of it, so I figured it was a direct to video probably crappy release.

It turns out to be not a bad little film. The plot is rather predictable (two girls from opposite sides of the robber-baron railroad tracks set out to be bank robbers and avenge their murdered fathers) but the production values, costumes, and acting are actually quite good. Dwight Yoakam is a great slime-ball/bad guy. It's also paced quickly enough that it never gets boring. Good Friday night with a bottle of wine kind of movie.

Clueless Part III: Windows Vista

2007-01-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

One of the podcast that I listen to regularly, Security Now, ran an analysis of the security & licencing requirement of Windows Vista. One security researcher called the Vista Content Protection specification called it "the longest suicide note in history". Highlights include checking itself every 30 milliseconds, to make sure nobody has put a voltmeter on the motherboard in order to crack the high-definition content. Apparently it would make your computer behave like an "un-medicated paranoid", flushing & restarting any & all major sub-systems unpredictably.

Also, not content with just pissing the owners off, peripheral manufacturers (like your sound or video cards) would have to be licenced, provide the same level of protection, and could have their licencing yanked at any time if their security isn't good enough -- whatever "good enough" means. This would also increase their cost & reduce their reliability & power.

This is whether you want to use your computer as a high-definition media platform, which I don't.

Go ahead and listen to the podcast. They explain it in a way that everybody can understand and get something out of it.

I think my next machine is going to be a Mac laptop.

Clueless Part II: Clueless Judge Plus Lying Expert Witness

2007-01-18T05:51:00.000-08:00

So just in case you thought clueless judges could never affect you, consider the case of a substitute teacher who is facing 40 years in jail because of the combined efforts of a negligent school administration, clueless investigator, lying and/or stupid "expert" witness, and clueless judge.

Clueless Part I: Best Headline Ever

2007-01-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

“Judge Tries to Unring Bell Hanging Around Neck of Horse Already Out of Barn Being Carried on Ship That Has Sailed.”

Best headline ever, associated with this court case associated in part having to do with the side effects of psychotic drugs, and a judge who thinks that somehow he controls the intertube web thingee. Maybe two are related -- the drugs and the judge that is?

Movie Review -- Children of Men

2007-01-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

Once in a while a film comes along that you hope is going to be as good as you think it is. Funny things about us humans -- we're not very good at predicting the future. Things turn out to be much better or much worse that we think they're going to be.

"Children of Men" is both much better and much worse than I anticipated.

Director Cuarón's ("Prisoner of Azkaban", "Y Tu Mama Tambien") has taken P.D. James novel and made a movie that works on all ways -- chase movie, cautionary tale, human drama -- which is consistent and coherent on all levels -- emotional, personal, political, and technically. That's the good part.

It is set in a world in which women stopped having children eighteen years ago. This has plunged the world into chaos. The UK has been able to shut the rest of the world out most literally, hunting down and deporting illegal immigrants. In the most personally disturbing part of the movie the director takes us first person through a deportation, using images and sounds that invoke Abu Ghraib prison, the Holocaust, and "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome". It's just far enough in the future that this could all start happening tomorrow. The film is so well crafted, so believable, that this is our world. That's the bad part.

Through this world Theo (Clive Owen) shepherds the pregnant Kee (Claire-Hope Ashityey) through police, freedom fighters, terrorists, psychotic internal security guards, and his own personal demons. Everybody wants a piece of her, and everybody else has guns. The only way to survive is by knowing who to trust and by letting those others -- known and unknown -- throw themselves in front of the bullets.

The writing, direction, and acting are all first rate. Cuarón is fast becoming one of my favourite directors, and I can't wait to see what he comes out with next.

Go see the movie. This one is definitely going on my "buy" list.

Killer Rabbits

2007-01-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

Killer rabbits have been around for a long time. This one chased a snake up a tree.

Note to family & friends: you can buy me stuff from here anytime. No reason to wait until next Christmas!

Investment Education

2007-01-12T05:43:00.000-08:00

A free on-line course in investment: stocks, bonds, funds, and portfolios. I'll let you know what the catch is.

Tees for Geeks

2007-01-11T05:46:00.000-08:00

Knots

2007-01-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

There are many knot websites, and even many animated knot websites. This one is the slicket, most complete, most visually appealing one I've come across.

Motorcycle Show & Bike Bunnies

2007-01-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

I was at the Calgary Motorcycle Show on Friday night, wandering up & down the aisles with a friend, taking in all the shiny bikes new & old, and all the other distractions -- leather, sunglasses, chrome. One the bike bunnies came up to me holding a clipboard and asked,

"Do you want to enter a draw for a wireless radio?"

Think about it.

I said, "I didn't know there was any other kind."

She meant sattelite radio, of course. Cute though. One wonders how some of them stay up-right, because they're so top-heavy.

Camp Baking

2007-01-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

Baking bread or cake at camp isn't really all that hard, as long as you're a little prepared. "Be Prepared" -- hmm, where have I heard that before? I like cast iron skillets myself, despite the weight. Unless you're cooking for a large group or doing back-country stuff. Then it's just a matter of actually paying attention to what you're doing so that your baking doesn't burn.

Building Stonehenge

2007-01-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

I've always been fascinated by how Stonehenge and other ancient structures were built without cranes, block & tackle, or other machines. Never mind moving a 300 foot barn with just one guy.

Film Review - The Departed

2007-01-04T07:54:00.000-08:00

Went to see "The Departed" with a friend last night. I'm not sure how this film slipped past my radar -- we caught it at the Moviedome, our local cheap-seat last-gasp-before-video theatre. It was amazing, the critics praised it, and it got high ratings from the public.

Martin Scorsese directs this remake of a Hong King film "Infernal Affairs" in a way that invokes Shakespearean pathos & Wagnerian drama, using violence instead of dance as his medium. Matt Damon plays a slime ball rat within a police special investigation unit. Leonardo DiCaprio remembers how to act for this film and plays a conflicted undercover police officer within the Irish mob.

Jack Nicholson reprieves his role as a drug-addled crazy person. I wonder how it is that he plays nut jobs so convincingly and makes them so likable even while he's up to his elbows in blood? I think it's his face. If you ever see the scene where he's describing a rat, you'll know what I mean.

Many critics complain about too much violence, by which I expect they mean the blood & brains being liberally splattered on and around everybody in every second scene. Disconcerting as these are and as they are meant to be, Scorcese does have an obsession with authenticity. Even if it includes realistic portrayal of gun-shot wounds. This obsession also shows up in Damon & Dicaprio's pre-movie training (Damon even went along on a drug raid, much to the producers consternation), and the attention to detail in the portrayal of the Boston police. Not only the physical detail of the uniforms, procedure, and ritual, but also in the emotions, attitudes, and commitment required to be a police officer.

What it means to the movie audience is a submersion in that world, without the distraction of noticing where a film-maker screwed up. Instead, we get to pay attention to the characters, feel what they feel, and have authentic emotional reactions to and understanding of the protagonists. This makes it a great movie, which is definitely going on my 'buy' list.

Lawrence Lessig on Media & Culture

2007-01-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

If you have any interest in media/technology/culture, this is a fascinating & mind-blowing lecture given by Lawrence Lessig. The clip of "Jesus Christ the Musical" is in itself worth it.

Wallpaper Rotator

2007-01-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

This looks interesting: a utility that rotates your wallpaper, using Flikr as a source. It bases its selection on the tags (keywords) you put in. Anybody tried this?

50 Greatest Cartoons

2007-01-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I usually avoid "best of " lists because they're boring.

For this one I wish there was more, like the actually cartoon. They got it right, of course, by putting "What's Opera, Doc?" first and then following up with "One Froggy Evening" & "Rabbit of Seville" near the top of the list.

While I was exploring the list I came across a page all about banned cartoons. Check it out if you want to see Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble lighting up, or Bugs Bunny in black face.

Favourite Books 1. "West of January"

2006-12-27T08:06:00.000-08:00

I was at my first geek convention this summer. One of the panels was a discussion on which books would be best to introduce a non-science fiction reader to the genre. I just finished re-reading my nomination: Dave Duncan's "West of January".

It's in the world-building genre, set on a planet whose day-and-night cycle last two hundred years. Human-kind are there by accident, marooned by navigational error. Our protagonist is a nomadic herd-boy named Knobil, a blue-eyed bastard child fathered by the gun-toting 'angels' as they scurry across the surface of the planet trying to maintain some semblance of civilization. We follow him as he is turned out of his tribe after the death of his mother and adopted father, enslaved after saving a sea-people civilization, deliberately crippled and traded to . . . well, I don't want to give too much away.

Other reviewers found this novel to be dark, cynical, misogynistic, and lacking plot (even though they still agreed it was a good book). Certainly the events that shape Knobil's life and the events that shape the planet's culture are grim and cruel. This is what I like about this novel -- Duncan imagined a world, set his players in place on it, and wrote the consequent story as the planet rotated its way through its 200 year cycle. As we follow Knobil's re-telling of his life-story we can believe that this is the way it did happen, and we anticipate what might happen next. Duncan's description of primitive life, attitudes, and culture are real and fascinating. Again, as we read, we think this is how things really might have been even in our own history. Not bad for a guy that used to be a petroleum engineer.

Duncan's authenticity, however, runs deeper than moving characters around on the surface of an imaginary planet well. Knobil's internal emotional dialog is what really propels the character and the plot. His guilt and inferiority complex, beginning with being the only blue-eyed child in a tribe of dark-eyed people, and continuing with his successive abandonment or betrayal (in his eyes) of his mother, adopted father, wife & children, "true" love, and biological father. In our day and age we'd send him to a therapist to work out his issues, but in a primitive society there is no such thing. Instead, his inadequacies drive him and fuel his accomplishments, eventually leading to the salvation of the entire planet.

This is the strength of this book: its geographical & astronomical, cultural, and emotional authenticity. Duncan spins a wonderful story anyway, which only gets better with successive readings. It's a great book that also happens to be science fiction, and in my opinion a great introduction to all the possibilities of the genre.

Martinis

2006-12-24T16:01:00.000-08:00

Why didn't anybody tell me about this? I just discovered Martinis, and they are amazing. I ran out and bought gin, vermouth, and olives. Now I'm set. In fact, I'm drinking one right now.

While researching "martinis" at (where else?) Wikipedia, I came across the Wikibooks bartending guides. Right on! Hey, Dad, have you still got the old martini shaker I used to play with when you were'nt home? Er, oops!

Great White North

2006-12-23T06:39:00.000-08:00

My buddy Karl turned me onto Ze Frank a while ago, and we're both big fans. Then he had a brainwave to tape our our own intro for the show. It took me a month to find/make the stubbies, and here is the result: Bernie & Karl McKenzie in the Great White North.

We had way too much fun, and just kept taping. As you can see, I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

Be sure to visit both the intro, and the longer clip where we riff on Canadian Politics.

Daily Monster

2006-12-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

Red Dwarf Movie

2006-12-21T06:25:00.000-08:00

I was going to blog about how BBC plans to use BitTorrent to distribute high-def versions of their content, including "Red Dwarf". Then I discovered that there's a "Red Dwarf" movie in production.
[Does happy dance]

Another Camera Tripod

2006-12-19T06:01:00.000-08:00

I posted about a coathanger tripod last week. Now here's one that's even smaller, simpler, and lighter.

When Lawyers Get Involved

2006-12-18T05:54:00.000-08:00

When lawyers get involved...

Defeatism

2006-12-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

I just thought this poster was funny. That's all.

Worlds Funniest Picture

2006-12-15T06:11:00.000-08:00

In search of the world's funniest image. You can help choose.

T-Shirts

2006-12-14T05:52:00.000-08:00

Under the category of "why didn't I think of that?", and also "participatory on-line communities that make money for their creators", and also "wow, that's a neat frickin' idea": Threadbare, the t-shirt company that get design submissions from it's customers, let's their customers vote on which ones to print, and then sells them back to the very same people. I bet they're making money hand over fist, and it looks like a cool place to work. Plus, some very cool t-shirts.